HURRAH! I have been shortlisted for the Queen of Teen Book Award, which is kind of like the Orange Prize for Fiction, but with more sequins and bigger dresses. This has led me to reassess my previous diagnosis of self as one of life’s losers. A conclusion I came to after winning the following paltry list of prizes in my thirty-something-years’ long existence:
1. The Umbrella and Yoghurt Pot race at St Mary’s Primary in 1979 (not really a test of athleticism so much as co-ordination of poking brolly inside empty Ski tub and keeping it on there for 50 yards).
2. A Toners and Shaders hair dye from Jackie magazine in 1983 (not really a ‘prize’ so much as a giveaway)
3. The Downing Street Quiz Night (a test of team nerdism, so should have triumphed, but, in fact, won by cheating – i.e. only knew total number of PMs in history by faking a toilet break and counting all the portraits on the back stairs).
4. Er… that’s it.
But am now on same piece of paper (am assuming the shortlist is actual piece of gilt-edged, rose-scented paper) with Meg Cabot, Louise Rennison, Jacqueline Wilson and other literary giants. This is it, the turning point. From now on am going to be utter winner. Definitely… maybe.